ugh i got violently ill from dinner and had to go to bed early and now i'm up at 4:30 AM. calvin will probably be up soon, asking for oats. i think i eat so infrequently now that any time i eat more than one meal a day i get nauseous. i wonder if my stomach has no elasticity now or something. i don't know how to science.
my trip so far has been really wonderful, and surprisingly cathartic. naomi is definitely a different person than she used to be, and a lot of the layers of callousness have peeled off to reveal a surprisingly sensitive person, as well as an insanely generous and even affectionate one. i think i was most surprised when we were just standing at the counter of the hardware store picking keys and she came over to just give me a little hug for no reason. there's been a lot of processing going on, so much so that i had a dream where this bulbous feminine shadow of pain manifested in front of my dad and i stabbed it in the heart with scissors. naomi told me she got so annoyed that i would say that i don't really know her, but she realized that since she left at 18 she felt like she knew who i was, and since i was 9 my memories weren't really fully-formed. and i'm obviously not the same person as i was when i was 9. well. sort of. my mom might disagree. it was good to get the news that i was offered a place at university of sheffield because i might be the first in my family to go to grad school (can i call a PGDip grad school? hrm).
i'm really proud of my family. i'm proud of my mom, who is the strongest person i have ever known. a lot of people say that about their moms, but i doubt most people could survive even half the pain my mom has had to experience. i'm proud of all three of my sisters, who are so smart, hard-working, creative, and funny.
i've gotten to see a lot of people that i haven't seen in years. the first night i got here i saw channing, who for a long time was james' best friend. after james and i broke up he called me a couple times to make fun of me and make sure i was ok. i'm lucky james alienated all his cool friends so that i can hang out with them and not feel weird about it. i finally met channing's awesome wife, emily, too. i used to spend so much time on google reader commenting on shit they shared and feeling like an INTERLOPER. what a funny place to be social. i miss google reader. channing has been a pal to me, though, and every so often tells me to apply for opportunities, like that silly BBC america vlogger thing that i didn't get, but did prompt english people on youtube to tell me i'm annoying and stupid!
today my friend nemo came down from sebastopol to hang out. i hadn't seen him in 3 or 4 years! we met on okcupid and i would say what we had was maybe not romantic, but sort of fanciful. i think at the time i felt a very spiritual or intellectual connection with him because he is a very positive influence on me. the first time we met we took a hike on swarthmore's campus and talked about language for a very long time. he's also the only person i know who will dance no matter where he is and who's around. he used to talk in a very whimsical, unorthodox way and maybe his life in new york has reduced some of that. he has an enthusiasm about him that is very compelling. he is also thinking of doing a speech pathology grad program, and he actually majored in linguistics at one of the best schools in the country.
i've been having trouble being social on this trip, even though for the first time in years i have AN ABUNDANCE OF FRIENDS. i guess i forgot how difficult that was. i don't eat all day to avoid IBS symptoms and then i get very woozy and can't focus on anything. i try to eat and then i have IBS problems and have to visit 3000 bathrooms and can't focus on anything. i love that i get to see friends but i think i need to do some exploring on my own because i can't keep risking my well-being to accommodate other people. i need to do things in my own time.
i cannot fucking believe heartbleed. i don't remember any of my new passwords. i have been locking myself out of accounts, which is maybe kind of good. i know i seem like the last person who would ever disconnect from social media, but facebook and tumblr have gotten severely uninteresting lately. i tend to keep things around in the off chance that some day people might pay attention to my music, but people just want to reblog old memes and obnoxious vines. if i don't attach some repetitive screed about loving my body to shit i write it gets ignored, and i would like to write about other things. no one is interested in anything that doesn't validate them. i get it, but i want to move past it, at least sometimes. i am lucky that i'm in a position where i have already been exposed to so much body positivity, and i know there are still a lot of people who could really be helped by that rhetoric and have never seen anything like it. even if i really want to write about something that happened to me related to my body and i genuinely want people to feel better about themselves, i feel somewhat disingenuous because it just sounds like pandering. step 1: it's ok to have a fat body. step 2: it's ok to have a fat body and then be more than your fat body. what about your fat brain? honestly, half the time i just feel like shit anyway because no matter how much "love ur body~~" i see, the subtext is still, "as long as you're an hourglass and have a big butt and big boobs". i think i'm back to thinking that the only thing that will save me is being funny and singing, because i'm really fucking weird-looking.
i am tired of how fucking gullible people on tumblr are. i want people to think really critically about how language actually works, and to be interested in it. i want people to think critically in general.
calvin keeps watching veggie tales and i wonder if naomi would be ok with that. i had joked about teaching him about jesus while she's away but he's a smart dude and knows how to use the appleTV already (though his netflix searches are "abbbb" and "gkjfffff"). he navigates by characters and keeps watching the story of esther. that's a good ol' testament story, though, with a virtuous female protagonist, so why the heck not. besides the fact that she's a fucking armless zucchini or something and it's terrifying. it doesn't seem to bother him, though.
i'm not really homesick. i had some panic issues when i first got here because it looks like nowhere i've ever seen. so much of this city looks like snapshots in time of the 1920s or 1950s. i don't really like palm trees and laid-back attitudes, and the white kids with dreadlocks are the worst, most entitled, most aggressive people ever, actually. i don't think i'd ever want to live here but naomi said she's glad we have sets of keys now so that we can feel like we can come back and visit whenever we live.
i'm trying to save the actual "things i did" for ~my real blog~ so that at least 2 out of my 10 aunts will read it, right