i suck. i'm a drag. i fatigue and don't bring the spirit of life in.
i declare that i want advanced planning, that i'm not ammenable to being dragged into things without some socialization, some time to buy in ahead of time. and there's something fair about that, certainly: it's a point, a wedge i can drive with reason, it has leverage i can push it with. and i reasonably do think its fairer, that it creates a balance by having environments where there's some expectations set, that a norm of things arising and having some flash-mob reaction is not a good operating style.
but that said, i just dread other people, their desires to do things. i don't want to have to do things. i'm not sure why time to let the dread set really helps, if it does at all. what use is this socialization i ask for if i'm still quietly going to be disdainful of being pulled in, looped into someone else's activity?
i don't feel that i often have the circumstance where i can draw from help about me. some of it is the technical nature and style of where i've rooted what i think of as work, that my practice is afar or advance of what most are. involving others means sacrificing the time to think and slowly act: i'm beholden to communicate myself, my activity with others, and giving up my own slow pursuit as i would chase it to allow others to enact in their own fashion. so it's busymaking me for me. and that's what this is: a fear that I'm unable to act with grace and speed when the times come to be busied.
everything is so abhorrent. there is grace and beauty, but it is in such small quiet works and wonders. the din is loud and messy, but from the quiet moments and with concentration and care we get to be in touch with such remarkable elegance, see such very fine workings: the faint dew-misted webbing of entanglement that we might otherwise sweep through. i feel the pull of quieter, isolated, more pristine environments, and with a deftness i'll work to cut down and make mock of the noisy environments that crop up: to cut them down to smaller pieces, that i can more neatly box and dispatch with.
i want to be open and robust and resilient and smiling and happy and eager. i want again to be the mr mojo rising in the situation, and not so needing to set my own grounds for engagement, so willful in defining terms for how the work will play out. i am enormously powerful, have such huge strength and power through finding my own footing, am so apt at habituating and finding roots- that i asses and situate is hugely powerful. but it's not a power that i can spread about. it requires rationalization to perform, to enchant myself into a belief. and to do that on others is a violence, to share the complex chains that arrive me at a stance is a labor, to break off pieces of myself in digestible forms and to feed them as nourishment for the place i have arrived.
i believe very much in the democratic, in holding discussions and finding ways forward. but retaining the individual, permitting room to work outside the democratic system is at least as important. i love people to have and work towards their own ends, want my own liberty to work or not as to what i feel, and not be wrapped in some group process. rarely do i feel the call, rarely am i sympathetic to group ends: i don't find myself as i'd prefer ready to engage and buy in. i can get along, but i feel myself so fragile, so readily freeze up and protect my own quiet space, assume others have their own quiet complexity they too are churning through as well- there's reticence to be herded, reticence to cast shadows on other's wild imaginations, an array of reasons to stay quiet and find when available the best timings to really jump in, as they present, and not largely jubilantly declare and start to march, but that's much of what spirit is, to be able to band together and proclaim and march forwards.
so who knows? i stand here wishing it didn't have to be like this, feeling some sorrow at the nature of reason that i both embrace and which also doesn't make things easy, and i'm not sure what paths to pick forwards, unsure how to turn the edges i've called out. i'm thinking about it, and we'll see what presents itself, and i'll see what bravery i can muster to forge on in more of a party spirit, what i can do to apply myself to vectors that originate from places aside from the deep unknowable otherworlds of that ever generative soul.